Okay so, I’m well aware that I’ve written about this topic before. So I’m passionate about it, is that such a bad thing? That being said, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking, “Lola, I’ve heard/seen/read just about everything within this topic… what you’re saying won’t help me.” Well, hopefully I can prove you wrong. What’s insane is that I was in the same boat you are in right now. I’m here to help you and I’m here to walk with you because I know how hard and frustrating it can be to navigate the season of singleness. I know how it feels to want to be loved and to desire a holy relationship. I know how unattainable and impossible it may seem sometimes, too (News flash: It’s really not!).
But I mean think about it: How many hours/days/months do you think you’ve spent pining over when you’re finally going to start dating someone? Or when you were finally going to find a love that will last forever? If you’re anything like me, then you’ve most likely spent months and maybe even years doing that. It’s super anxiety-inducing and it definitely puts your heart and soul in a very unsettling place.
Wouldn’t you want to do everything in your power to climb your way out of that dry hole? And no, I don’t mean fixing it by finding a S/O, but I mean truly seeing this season of singleness in a new light, with a new mindset, and a new hope. I’ve recently just found my way into that positive tunnel (and I’m still working on it), but I’d love to share some tips that really helped me get to where I am now and where I am meant to be in the future.
Don’t panic, I won’t just tell you to “Be patient,” because let’s be real here: although it’s a valid point, we’ve definitely heard that one way more times than we can count. I’m here to help you find fresh eyes and make the most of this season. Are you ready?
#1 - Detach yourself from the idea that a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse = fulfillment.
Man, I can’t even begin to tell you how important this step is. The earlier you recognize this and start to actively apply it to your life, you’ll start to see changes in your mindset. So ask yourself this question: “Why do I really want a significant other right now?”
Are you seeking purpose? Are you trying to fill a void of insecurity? Are you trying to find a way to heal from something or a means by which all your problems will magically be solved? These are all valid things we should be trying to figure out in due time, but they are NOT reasons we should desire a romantic relationship. Your problems will not automatically go away the minute you start dating someone or enter into the vocation of marriage. In fact, your problems may naturally be heightened during those times. So wouldn’t you want your heart and mind to be ready for when the time comes to finally meet the man/woman God planned for you?
So do yourself a favor and seek fulfillment in someone infinite, AKA God. The more you allow God to fill your heart, the less inclined you will feel to impatiently seek a significant other to fill any unwanted gaps. God created us to love and to be loved. It can be so exciting and beautiful when we finally find a boyfriend or girlfriend who truly shows us that agape (sacrificial) love… but this romantic love should not replace the need to seek God’s love. Eternal fulfillment comes from Jesus, a spouse can only do so much in his/her power to help lead you to that point of ultimate fulfillment (Heaven)!
One of my favorite quotes on relationships comes from Sarah Swafford and she said, “Run towards the Lord and after a while, look to the side and see who’s running with you.” In other words, seek God first, and He will truly provide everything from that point forward. Believe in it, rest in it!
#2 - Now that we’re looking into seeking God first, start by getting to know Him!
Our God is a God who desires to fill you up, but He will never force Himself on you. He’s willing to wait forever until you say “yes” to Him. That being said, start with prayer. Prayer is important because not only are we working on trusting God more fully in this season, but we get a chance to truly know His voice. I mean think about it - God is the giver of all good things, wouldn’t you want to recognize His voice and His working hand every time you encounter Him? This all starts with prayer and getting to know God. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received is to go on “dates” with Jesus. Take Him to your favorite coffee shop, your front porch, or your favorite park. Sit with Him and talk to Him; tell Him your desires, your fears, etc., He’ll be listening.
If Jesus is the one who stirred up in you the desire to have a holy dating relationship and marriage, get to know Him as the person who placed that inclination in your heart. Some of my favorite ways to pray are reading Scripture (especially the daily readings) and journaling! Don’t allow your relationship with God to be stagnant. If you want to see any changes in your life (especially in your dating life), you need to work for it, and one of the best ways to do that is to pray.
#3 - Surround yourself with good people and a good community.
We weren’t meant to run the race alone. For that reason, God blesses us with friends and a community of believers to lean on in every season of our lives. But, good friends and a vibrant community won’t just fall from the sky, you have to put in effort to find them. For many, it may be a little bit harder depending on where you’re located, but it’s more than possible anywhere.
My best advice to you is to (1) grab your phone/laptop, (2) search for Catholic/Christian young-adult communities nearby in your area (if you’re in college, check for a campus ministry), (3) attend their events and PUT. YOURSELF. OUT. THERE. I promise, it’s as easy as that. If you show people that you want to invest in them, they will invest in you. Don’t expect to immediately become integrated in the community or to become best friends with every person you meet right away. Good things take time, and friendships should not be rushed, they should be formed at their natural pace!
Joining the Catholic Student Union at my university was the best decision I’ve ever made. The friendships I’ve made here, and the bonds I’ve made with my sisters are long-lasting. Being able to walk with young men and women who are close to my age and have the same morals as me, has been a huge blessing that I recognize is from God, Himself. I’m able to talk to them (especially the women) about my fears, desires, worries, and they listen to me. These women actually care to ask how I’m doing, and they know how to love me well.
One thing that’s really been helping me enjoy my singlehood is really cherishing the time I have now to hang out with my friends, especially my girlfriends. Putting it all in perspective, I guarantee you that I won’t have as much time as I have now to enjoy my friends’ company when I am married and God-willing, raising children. Right now, I don’t have to worry about building up a home, paying bills and a mortgage, feeding/changing/cleaning children, etc.! So why not enjoy the time I have now to freely have fun with my friends in college. College is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and it shouldn’t be wasted. And if you think about it, the person you’re gonna end up marrying, you’re going to spend more than half your life with. So, your single years really aren’t long compared to your married years.
#4 - Pray for your future spouse.
Earlier, I mentioned how important prayer was in order to strengthen your relationship with God and to become familiar with His voice. Still got that in your mind? Okay good, don’t forget it!
The next step is to pray very intently for your future spouse. I don’t mean to just pray that God rushes and sends someone, but really pray that he is formed into the man he was created to be. Pray that his heart is formed so that he is truly ready to take on a serious dating relationship and a holy marriage. In the meantime, pray that you are also formed, so that when the time comes for God to allow you both to meet, you are 100% ready.
Another good thing to do is to create a list of characteristics that you would like your future spouse to strive for in his/her life. Some of these characteristics can be found in Sarah Swafford’s book, Emotional Virtue (click on the bolded words to be sent to a link of her list). Some of my favorite ones are: Confident, Provider, Protector, Speaks with Conviction, Prudent, Committed, etc. etc. etc. Once you’ve made your list, bring it to God in prayer and offer it up to Him.
Remember that just because you have a list of amazing traits for your future spouse, it doesn’t mean that he is going to perfectly emulate all of them in his day-to-day life. Though it would be really cool if he did, remember that he is human (just like you & me!). What’s important, however, is that he is striving to emulate those traits on your list. This is so important to look for when discerning a dating relationship!
Let’s take a detour, I want to talk about dating standards for a hot minute:
First off, DO NOT be afraid to set high standards for yourself because nothing is impossible for God! But very often, we are encouraged to set a very low bar for ourselves because that’s the easiest and quickest way to finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, it may be easy and quick… but is it the best and lasting way?
Hate to say it but we live in an age of instantaneity. Think about that. We can lookup any questions we have and take a minute to Google an answer through a 5G LTE network and high-speed wifi. We can order something through Amazon Prime and barely wait two days to receive it. We can order a whole meal through UberEats and have it delivered in under a half hour. Our society is lacking in effort and patience. So it’s extremely fitting that we would want instant gratification in dating. But don’t fall for that trap!
Don’t let anyone tell you that your standards are too high, not your parents, elders, siblings, friends, nobody! You are worth the wait. You aren’t meant to be tossed around, you were made by the Creator of the universe. So keep setting the bar high, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It takes so much courage and willingness, but I promise you, it’s so worthwhile.
#5 - Momma Mary hears your petitions, too.
Y’all. The Blessed Mother is the only other person other than Jesus who’s perfect. She’s immaculate… sinless. Her fiat (“yes”) is inspiring because she agreed to give birth to the Savior of the World, even though she was given very little information to begin with. How freakin’ cool is she??? We don’t give her enough credit. One of the coolest things I’ve heard about Momma Mary is: “Jesus can’t deny His mother. So why not entrust her with everything we have?” This is so beyond true, I can’t even handle it.
One of the best ways to entrust everything to Momma Mary is to pray the rosary. I’ve done this specifically by praying a 54-Day Rosary Novena for my future spouse (which I’m currently in the middle of). What you do is you pray 27 days in petition for something and 27 days in thanksgiving, whether or not you got what you wanted. The way I’ve been praying it is, I’ve been using the list I made of characteristics that I hope my future husband strives for (there’s purposefully 27 of them), and I’ve been praying for one trait each of the 27 days of petition during the novena.
Praying the novena has been so fruitful in many different ways, especially in the ways it has helped me build up my trust in God during this season. It helped me to rid myself of selfishness; it was no longer about my timing, but rather, His timing with everything. Through this novena, my desires and inclinations to the vocation of marriage have been strengthened, and I’m really starting to see Momma Mary work through Jesus.
#6 - Fill your mind/heart/soul with good resources.
I know that during this season, it may be so easy to just drop everything and start comparing the circumstances of your life to those of other people around you! I know it may seem as if everyone is in happy relationships, getting engaged, married, or are having kids… and you think you’re stuck in a season that has no purpose whatsoever, right?? WRONG. This season has an abundance of purpose, you just need to strike up the courage to ask God how you can make the most of it.
So while it’s up to you to navigate that, I’m more than willing to help you even more. For starters, delete everything/unfollow any account that does not do your heart/mind/soul any justice. Unfollow that girl or guy that makes you feel like your life is worth nothing; either that, or learn to be happy for them despite the season you’re in. They say comparison is the thief of joy, and let me tell you, they are so right. Instead, immerse yourself in good resources - Instagram accounts, books, talks, blogs, podcasts, devotionals… the list is endless.
Some of my favorite books are Emotional Virtue by Sarah Swafford and How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul (for women) by Jason and Crystalina Evert. Some Instagram accounts I really look forward to seeing posts are @emwilss and @megs__wells (there’s more but those are just my favs). I also really enjoy watching the YouTube channels of Ascension Presents and Emily Wilson. The list of resources is extremely abundant, if you’d like more, don’t hesitate to reach out to me!
#7 - Be weary of the Evil One.
Whatever season you’re in, if you want things to change positively, you have to give yourself permission to hope. But REAL TALK: Spiritual. Warfare. Is. Real. Stop and read that again, let it soak in and whatever you do, do NOT take this lightly.
I’ve experienced the power of the devil firsthand. One instance was the 8th day I was praying the rosary during the 54-Day Rosary Novena. Each time that day, when I would even begin to pray for or think about my future husband and marriage, I would immediately be backfired with thoughts in my head that said and I quote: “This is so unattainable. You are never going to get this.” And for a long time, I believed it. I became a slave to the Evil One and I started to believe those lies. At one point, I even started to believe that it was God who was telling me that a holy marriage was unattainable. It sounds so silly thinking about it now, but the Evil One can do that to you.
Still very anxious, I reached out to one of my best friends who’s in college with me. I told her what was going on and how I felt so helpless. I admitted that I had reached a point of despair that seemed like I would never be able to climb my way out of. And I firmly believe that the Lord was speaking to me through her because after having our very honest conversation, the last thing she told me was this:
“You can’t stop anxiety from coming, but you can stop your response to it. Next time it comes, acknowledge that it is NOT from God, but in fact from Satan, and move forward. Don’t dwell, don’t allow thoughts to run, don’t wallow in despair. Sit and be still for a moment and let God speak to you.”
Praise God for good friends, am I right? I mean, what she was saying is so true! Jesus obviously knows our hearts and knows our deepest desires, but the Evil One knows our desires, too. Satan will do everything in his power to try to twist the goodness in your heart and lead you to believe pure lies. What a coward.
Look to God and renounce any lies that come from Satan. The sooner you realize this, the better.
So what now, Lola???
I want you to remember that, even amidst all of your longings, anxieties, and heartaches, the Lord hears your cries and He knows your every desire. He will fulfill them all in His ways and in His timing because we serve a God who keeps His promises.
But I also want you to remember this: think of God as an artist. He is painting your life right now as you read this. I think we can find common ground and say that artists shouldn’t be rushed. Imagine if the most renowned artists were rushed making their best masterpieces… they wouldn’t have turned out as beautiful as they wanted them to. Same thing goes for God, except YOU are His masterpiece. Don’t rush Him, He knows exactly what His masterpieces need and when they need it. Be patient and He will provide. Nothing is impossible for God.
